Vacillating Furiously

I should be working on a Bible study lesson right now.  In less than twelve hours I will be "teaching" (and I use that word loosely) on the book of Revelation.  I am not prepared, and yet I here I am blogging.  Because I absolutely have to share this while it's fresh.

I was just perusing Facebook while sitting with my girls, waiting for them to fall asleep (a routine my husband and I can not seem to break).  While perusing, I found the "Living Proof Ministries with Beth Moore" page.  (Most of you know how much I love Beth Moore.)  Well, from that page, I found a link to their blog.  (Hallelujah!  I can get a word from Beth on a consistent basis!)  I clicked on the link, which led me to a post about the enemy attacking one of Beth's "little sisters" in Christ.  Beth was so ticked at the enemy, as she put it, that she could not wait to get to the office and write a post to encourage her little sisters in Christ.  She asked for her little sisters (39 and under--the category into which I fall) to state how they need some encouragement, and for her big sisters (40 and over) to reply with some encouragement.  (I was one of nearly 2,000 ladies that replied to her post.  How cool is that?  The body of Christ, all over the world, coming together through the internet!)

Part of her post so perfectly articulated one of my most constant struggles that I'm going to share it here.  She said that her "little sister" asked if she (Beth) had been "here?"  Here, being the season in life where it seems that Satan is hell-bent, literally, on destroying everything you know, everyone you know, and everything in you.  The season of sifting.  Here is Beth's response.

Have I been there, my beloved little sister?

Let’s see. How loud can I say this?? I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOY, HAVE I EVER BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And part of me survived. And part of me died.

And the part of me that died, as painful as it was, needed to.

And when it tries to resurrect it’s ugly, deformed, decayed head, I remind it that it is dead, lest it need another killing. Because I don’t want another killing.

I don’t mean my baffling tendency to sin is dead. I deal with that old nature everyday. I can still – almost out of nowhere – vacillate furiously between self-love and self loathing until I’m so dizzy I could regurgitate. But that joint victim and victimizer in me, that violent inner working nurtured at the breast of deceit and raised in sickness with a bent on self-destruction, took what still appears over many years to be a fair beheading.

The part that so adequately sums up my struggle is the "vacillat[ing] furiously between self-love and self-loathing until I'm so dizzy I could regurgitate."  That's me.  And that is why I can no longer teach.  I couldn't articulate this the other day when I wrote about my decision to quit teaching, but this furious vacillation is why.  This struggle has to end.  And I am going to have to do some serious spiritual battle to end it.  And, I am certain that it needs my full attention.  Until I have destroyed "that joint victim and victimizer in me," I can do nothing else.  I have got to be 100% confident of who I am in Christ--that I can do nothing apart from Him (John 15:5), but all things, everything, through him (Philippians 4:13)--until I can truly serve Him in the Spirit (Galations 3:3).

Let me say this:  I knew well before this season of sifting came that it was coming.  I have only "heard" God speak directly to me a handful of times, but girlfriend, I have never been more sure of anything than the fact that He told me years ago that Satan had asked to sift me like wheat.  (See Luke 22.)  Even being forewarned, I could never have imagined how difficult, painful, or LONG this sifting process would be.  Many times I have thought it was over.  But here I am.  Still.  So, as I've said before, if it will sift the pride and junk out of me, then please, Lord, let it be.  I'm just sorry to those of you that I have tried to pull into the sieve with me.  You are all mighty good friends to hang with me through this process.

If any of you want to read the entire post, here's the link:

http://blog.lproof.org/2012/07/big-sisters-and-little-sisters.html

Ladies, it is SO worth the time.  I hope it encourages you today.

And, yes, for those of you who read it, I will be taking on her assignment.  Who will join me?  

Let's "get up and fight!"