The Battle Over Fear Continues

And to piggyback my last post...

I saw this on Facebook recently.  So true.

"Each time you dare to let go and surrender one of those many fears, your hand opens a little and your palms spread out in a gesture of receiving.  You must be patient, of course, very patient, until your hands are completely open."

I don't know where this quote comes from, but it spoke powerfully to me and my impatience in the battle of over-coming fear.

And I have no idea where I heard this one either - perhaps on K-Love - but somewhere over the last couple of days I heard someone say, "When I'm tempted to fear, I tell myself, 'No where in the Bible does God say, "Be careful," but over and over Scriptures tell us, "Do not fear."'"

Since hearing this, I have been battling the urge to tell my girls at every turn, "Be careful!"  There are times I see them doing something that makes my stomach grip and I just bite back my desire to warn and turn my head so I don't have to watch.  =)  Let them play.  Let them live.  Give them room to be adventurous.

I want them to climb trees and flip over monkey bars and jump on trampolines without fear.  And some day they may be teenagers like I was, wanting to ride the wildest roller coasters, bungee jump, or (oh, how I wanted to!) jump out of a plane.  And may they befriend the wild kids in class, without fear of what others may think, and still stand strong.

They may go off to college and rock climb and repel or (if only I had!) go white-water rafting.  They may travel the world, invite homeless strangers to live with them, and give unknown co-workers rides home, even it if means driving far into the country, making too many turns to count, and relying on prayer and God's leading to find their way out of that wooded maze.  May they befriend the homeless and destitute and prostitutes and those souls loved of Christ who everyone else avoids.

They may talk to strangers on the plane.  And walk with strangers on campus.  And dance with strangers on the street.  They may leave their car doors and apartment doors unlocked, and they may be robbed, and may they say, "I guess they needed it more than I did."

And someday they may venture into the wilds of Africa to bring villages of people into the wild life of Christ.  Or they may fearlessly perform risky surgeries, believing God can use them to bring life and healing, and never blaming self if He does not.  Or they may fight injustice with words and wit and love for all people.

Someday they may face sickness or pain or heartache or...  It is not in my power to see what lies in their path, but I know with certainty they will have some--if not many--struggles.  And I hope they embrace the trials as the blessings they are that draw them into deeper intimacy with the only One Who Is always stable and safe.

I hope they choose life abundant, without fear gripping and hindering.  "In this world you will have trouble...but fear not, for I am with you..." (Yes, I'm marrying some verses here.)

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you may go."  Joshua 1:9

"The Lord is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"

"The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-discipline."  1 Timothy 1:7

Thoughts from a hospital room:

Can someone tell me why, at any given time, I have at least three inspirational books going? And it will take me months to finish any of them! But give me fiction, a biography, or an autobiography, and I will neglect home, family, and sleep to finish it in a few days. Never mind, I just answered my question: THIS is why I usually just read inspirational.

It is ten o'clock at night. And I am sipping on a cold cup of old coffee even though I'm dehydrated and needing--and wanting--water, simply because the old, cold coffee tastes good. I think this is a real addiction. Legal, perhaps, but not necessarily okay. 

Did you know some hospitals actually have good food? I have already taken home one recipe from the hospital cafeteria: January Salad with spinach, grilled chicken, red bells, oranges, barley, and balsamic vinaigrette. Today I had another awesome dish I want to try recreating:

Yum!

And, last of all, the subject that has been on my mind most lately:  fear. Why is it I am anxious about the girls jumping on the couch or not sitting in their dinner chair properly, but I am pretty chillaxed when big girl hops on a 5-feet-tall horse? Is it possible that at some point you max out on the fear scale and simply can't register it anymore? The fear is too great; so, like a bad experience that has a hold on your emotional development, you bury it and try to pretend it isn't really bubbling down in the core of you. Or, if I'm really not bothered by the prospect of falling from said horse, why does far less bother me?

Fear. It's a strange thing. It is a fraud. A ploy of the enemy to make us doubt God's strength and provision and protection and presence. 

As I speak the morning blessing over our girls, "May the Lord bless you and keep you...Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid or discouraged; for the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go...God does not give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind..." As I speak it, I think, and sometimes say, "The enemy wants us to be afraid. But if there is no place God isn't, why should we fear?" 

God is there...here...everywhere. God is love and "Love drives out all fear." 

God is here; so, I will not fear. 

At least that's how I want to be. But, honestly, I am riddled with fear. And that is how I know I have not been "made perfect in love." 

I John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I realize I have a lot more to learn about love--both the One Who Is Love and the act of love. I want to love well.  And I want Love to drive out my fears.

Perhaps one indicator of the health of our relationship with our heavenly Father (also known as "Love") is the presence or lack of fear. Love drives out fear. And God is love (I John 4:8). So, the closer we walk with Christ, the farther away fear stays. He drives it out. We are either in His presence, subject to the power of the Loving Master and protected by the One whose very presence drives our fears away...or we are wayward, wandering about the fear buffet, tasting this one and that one, unwittingly becoming addicted to the old, cold food of the enemy until we are subjects to fear. 

Which one are we feeding? Which one gets more attention from us each day? On which do we focus? Our relationship with Christ or our fears?

Preaching to myself tonight.

Just Give Me Straight Up Jesus

So, I am almost always "enrolled" in some Bible study.  Right now I am linked to a group of local women (through Facebook) who are committed to doing Beth Moore's 70 day devotional, Whispers of Hope.  I'm about twenty days behind.

And I have noticed a pattern developing as of late.  I used to enroll in Bible studies and, even if good motives turned to impure motives (like, "By golly, I am going to finish the study if it KILLS me, because I am NOT walking into class without my homework finished!"), I would finish the study strong.  But now, no matter how hard I TRY (and yes, I am intentionally emphasizing "try"), I can never finish a Bible study.  This has been going on for at least a year.  And it's taken me about that long to figure out why.

About a year ago I was in a study, of course, and remember saying that when the study was over I was not going to sign up for anymore studies because I felt like I just needed to read the Bible.  No commentaries.  No testimonies.  No fluff.  Just God's Word, alive and active, speaking loud and clear over all the noise, with no possible interference from even my most beloved and trusted teachers, like Beth or Max.

But, then I was afraid.

I feared that if I didn't have something to keep me "committed," then I wouldn't stay in the Word.  So, I kept signing up.  Only, ironically, I couldn't stay committed.  Not to the studies anyway.  I found myself, every time I actually did sit down for quiet time, just opening up the Bible.  I was craving Jesus, but I didn't want to hear from him through someone else.  I just wanted to hear from Him.

So, here I am again.  In this 70 day commitment, totally not committed, but just now realizing it is okay.  Not okay to drop commitments, and therefore, I will try to restrain myself from signing up for any more studies in the near future.  But okay that I am craving Jesus.  Just straight up Jesus.  No additives.  No ice.  No stir stick.  Just Jesus.  The Living Water.  I am thirsty and He is what I'm thirsty for.

And, without even realizing it, I have done the same thing with my girls.  We used to try to read devos in the morn and then a Bible story out of one of their Bible story books at night.  But now we just lie in bed, still and quiet, and I read a chapter straight out of the real Bible, in the dark, from my phone's Bible app.  No storybooks.  No devos.  Straight up Jesus, straight through His spoken word, His light shining in the dark.

And tonight, one of the sweetest things happened.  I finished reading chapter 4 of Proverbs and immediately went into prayer.  When I finished, I turned to each of the girls and kissed their heads and E, my oldest, said, "I just about fell asleep."  And G was so near sleep that she didn't stir, let alone speak.  And I thought, "This is exactly as it should be, falling asleep in Jesus' arms."

It is refreshing, this new simplicity I've found.  And I wonder, once again, why has it taken me so long to find it.  To find Jesus?  He says His yoke is easy, His burden is light.  I think sometimes we just make it all too complicated.  In the middle of our devotionals and classes and commentaries and trusty books, He is there.  But He is still.  And we are crazy in our search for Him.  And He just asks us to be still.  And the search is over.  He is right there.

Diversity is Liberating

Strolling the streets of what feels like home: Lexington, KY. 

This is where I left Jesus, searched for Life abundant in every nook and cranny, including some really dark corners, and found Jesus again in all His liberating beauty. (Well, truly He reached down and lifted my head so that I could finally see Him.)

This place holds many memories for me, some bitter but most wonderful. I held many jobs, had many friends, and sat through many classes. I failed a few (oops), but finally graduated college after about 8 years with a degree in English Education. But my greatest classroom was all of Lexington and the enthralling subject was life. Yes, I love this city with a small-town feel.

Unfortunately, my reason for visiting this sweet place is not happy. My momma is at the University of Kentucky hospital, battling a possible blood clot, pancreatitis, pseudo cysts, and a massive kidney stone. She knows at least one surgery lies in her future. She has been through much suffering and my family would covet your prayers. 

Today, my brother sits in the hospital room with her while I am out to eat and grab a birthday present for my big girl, who is 6 today! Happy, happy birthday, my beautiful, sweet, and loving big girl. You couldn't make a momma prouder. I'm so in love with you.

As I walked the halls of the hospital and the sidewalks on campus, and drove down the streets of this ever-changing yet ever-familiar town, God re-opened my eyes to the greatest part of His awesome creation, His children!

I just realized what I love and miss most about this place:  the diversity in all of us! God makes us so beautifully different. And it is so obvious on a university campus. And so obvious that these young students get it and embrace it. I think that's why I love this  place so much because there is diversity everywhere I look and it makes me smile and wonder at a God who is such a creative and masterful artist!

And I am not just talking about skin color, hair color, religion, fashion, or size. I mean we are just unbelievably different! We have vastly different personalities expressed in unique and creative ways. 

I needed this reminder. 

Why do we so often try to be the same and with peeps who are just like us? We are like a coral reef, so varied and colorful! There's not another soul just like us on this entire planet, nor has there ever been one like us, NOR will there ever be another! I think when we try to be similar, we rob God of a chance to demonstrate His glory in all our beautiful differences! 

This is liberating!!! 

Oh, how I pray God will not let me forget this as I go back to a town where most of the people share the same skin color and even basic life principles. Under each of us, no matter how similar we may look, is a very unique beauty that God created to be explored and appreciated. 

You blow my mind, Lord! May we never lose the wonder of your ingenuity and creativity. And may we always remember the confidence You offer us through Christ to express our true, unique selves. As we realize our true identity as your child, may we be liberated to embrace and express our very great--vast and wonderful--differences! I'm so in love with YOU!

Whispers of Hope for 2014

Today I started a 10-week devotional prayer with a local group of women.  Our group reads Beth Moore's Whispers of Hope, a daily devotional book, then checks-in on Facebook through a private group.  We either like the group's daily post or comment on it to say, "Hey, I was here, I have done my reading, I am still in this with you." On this first day of our 70-day commitment, I was awakened to something nearly dead in my life:  creativity.

A question was asked of our group:  Are you more creative or orderly?  After some thought I realized that at different times in my life I have leaned more heavily one way or the other, alternating between order and creativity.  But since becoming a mother, order has had too high a priority in my life.  My prayer this morning was that God would help me rediscover the creativity that He has placed within me, within all of us.  He is a creative God and we are made in His image.  It's in there.

Also, through my reading and reflecting this morning, God revealed something far more disturbing.  My overarching priorities need to be rearranged.  Lately, I have put nearly everything before God, and I have put things that don't matter before my family.  For instance, I often find myself placing a higher priority on the things I do FOR my family than on doing things WITH my family...service over quality time.  But I know my kids are not going to remember if they had a clean house or what kind of food we ate.  They will remember the games we played together, the times I chased them around the yard, and the snacks we ate inside a quilt-tent with flashlights.

Keeping a clean house and having order are my priorities.  Those things are for me.  And I have been putting them first, which means, in essence, I have been putting myself first.  Then, after being a housekeeper, if I'm honest about how I'm spending my time, I have put my kids and husband before God.  So, essentially, my priorities have looked like this:  house (self), family (others), and then God.

Lord, may my priorities align with your priorities this year:  God, family (others), then myself.

Kicking off a new year with fresh determination and whispers of hope.  His mercies are new every morning, and every year.  Thankful for the ways God has given us to mark new beginnings.